Hmm… Something May Be
Wrong With Me
Thinking
quickly, I reached up to try and slip my arms in underneath Yankaka’s own, one
hand pushing against her paw-sleeve while the other was against her elbow.
“Come on, Yan. I really don’t have time for this!” The only response I got was
the feeling of her legs moving down to my knees and then a heavy pressure
against them as she tried to straighten my legs and take me to the ground. This
forced me to go still and plant myself instead of moving around where she could
easily bring me to the ground.
“Yankaka!
Seriously, I am not in the mood for this!” I called out, my hands pushing at
her arm to forcefully pry it away from my chest and hold it at bay with one of
my arms. She let go of my shoulder so that she could speak, giving me the
opportunity to turn my body and plant my one free hand against her cheek… Or
where I thought it was, anyways. “Yankaka is just trying to help, nya! Nice Guy
never shows real affection or emotion, nya! Only pets her head and drinks!”
I held her
at bay, ignoring the fact that she was hissing and trying to pull herself close
once again. “Yankaka just wants Nice Guy to relax and give Yan affection, nya!”
She called out as I managed to let go of her arm, grab her shoulders, and twist
around to toss her straight back down onto the bed. The Kaka bounced a few
times on the mattress a few times before rolling up onto her knees with a wide
frown on her face. “I am fine. I am sorry, Yankaka… I am just not an
affectionate person and we are not a couple. I thank you for offering to keep
me warm tonight, as I am honestly freezing, but I will be just fine. I’ll always
be fine.”
I turned
and started to head toward the kitchen, only to feel those paw-sleeves wrap
around my wrist and stop me. “Nice Guy gave Yankaka a chance to be happy… Nice
Guy should give himself one…” She stated as I reached up to rub at my eyes for
a moment while the feline was apparently much more observant that I was. “Nice
Guy’s been drinking more… Sleeping more… Stressed, nya.” She stated, trying to
pull me a little closer.
As the
stubborn bastard I was, I stood firm and simply looked down at the Kaka.
“Yankaka doesn’t know all Nice Guy has done, but the others told me, nya!
You’ve done bad things, but Nice Guy is kind! He cares. They all tell me you
never let Nice Guy let go… Why, nya?” It took me a moment to work up the will,
but I eventually took my hand back and slowly walked into the second part of
the house. “Cause if I let go, I wouldn’t be strong anymore. If I break, then
that means that I can’t hold up against the constant shit that the others and I
have gone through. I’ve been jumping for around two centuries… Much longer than
everyone else. I can’t let go when I have to keep you and everyone else safe.
No use to anyone, if I were to let myself give in to such things.”
I attempted
to explain as I disappeared into the kitchen and straight over to the fridge,
already moving to pick up one of the cookies that were left over from the last
time the Sisters were over and a bottle of rum that happened to be available
tonight. When I turned around, I was greeted by a Kaka standing right in front
of me. “Again, I am sorry, Yan. I simply can’t allow myself to give in.” As I
spoke, the Kaka was busy trying to take my food and drink away and, while I did
resist at first, I simply allowed it as it was better than possibly breaking
something.
She set the
bottle of rum and the cookie down on the counter. She had this very serious
look on her ‘face’, just a >< and a line as if something was really
bothering her. I couldn’t blame her, considering I had just told her off.
Yankaka
simply stood there, silent as can be while she held that expression. After a
few minutes, I simply tried to go around her… but, she got in my way. I tried
to drink and eat, but she kept pulling the items away and setting them on the
counter. After half an hour of this, I actually tried guiding her and then
gently pushing her out of the way, but she would always get back in my way.
“Yankaka, please. I want my snack, I want my drink, and I want to go to bed. I
have things to do in the morning.”
She simply
stood there, preventing me from advancing for a full hour. I was starting to
get quite annoyed and, at the top of the hour, I finally let out a sharp growl
and lashed out, my fist stopping just an inch away from her face as I realized
what I was just about to do. The Kaka’s expression finally changed, looking up
at me as if she was waiting for something. I simply frowned for a moment before
my face went flat. “Yankaka sees a lot, nya. The weak won’t admit that
something is wrong, nya… The stupid are too stubborn to let themselves let other
people help them, nya… Yankaka sees a guy that is willingly weak and stupid.”
As she
explained, I slowly lowered my hand down and lowered my head down slightly, my
expression flattening as she simply raised up her arms as if she was offering a
hug. “I have to, though… Cause I am a selfish bastard. I can’t allow myself the
leisure of letting go and, even if I could, that wouldn’t help me. I can’t feel
a damned thing that I want to feel, Yankaka. The few things I can feel are
stress and annoyance, even when I am at my happiest all I have is a little,
fleeting grin and then nothing. I care about you all, but I am fighting just to
try and feel emotional and actual want to care and not care simply because I
should. I’ve been drinking because it allows me the chance to actually smile a
little bit more sometimes due to the lack of inhibitions and even that is just
so little. I see people smiling, filled with rage, with sorrow, and all I can
fucking feel is stress and annoyance and frustration at myself… otherwise all I
can feel is empty… I don’t even know what love feels like other than to
attribute it to pain when someone you don’t want hurt is suffering.” After my
rant, I reached up to wipe a few tears out of my eyes. Tears of frustration
and, at this hour, possibly sleep deprivation.
“Where the fuck did that come
from…” Is all I could say after my rant before leaning up against her and
accepted the hug that she offered, though, I was too focused on trying to keep
myself from breaking down in her arms at this point to return it. “Anything
else, Nice Guy, nya?” I felt numb and limp, the Kaka simply pulling me down to
the floor, but as soon as she pulled me close, I couldn’t control myself.
I don’t
know how long we were there, but all I know was that I was a sobbing mess,
tears streaming down my face and my hands grabbing weakly at her jacket
whenever I could actually force myself to move even an inch from my spot. “Yan
know Nice Guy’s strong… Listening to everyone, forgiving Yankaka, nya. Even
Yankaka know holding everyone up with no one holding Nice Guy up is wrong.” I
felt like a fucking child… The fact that she was stroking the back of my head
wasn’t helping a damn thing, but that was pretty much what emotionally irate
people were, right? Emotionally fragile and not rational about how they acted
or what they said. Quite similar to a tantrum-stage child who was spouting
nonsense just before and during a break down.
It mattered
not, though. The house was empty and she gave me plenty of time to simply break
and heal, even forgiving me for the fact that I nearly punched her, claiming
that, at least from her own experiences and what everyone else said, that I
wasn’t normally like that. Granted, she probably had a warped perception of who
I was, but I had to agree on that one fact… I wasn’t someone who would just
strike someone out of annoyance, especially not someone that I honestly cared
for.
Once I had
recovered enough to actually stand, she guided/dragged me to the bed and
allowed/forced me to simply curl up against her for the night. When I did try
to pull away, she simply readjusted herself and made sure that I couldn’t and I
was much too physically and emotionally exhausted to really argue. “Thanks…” I
muttered as she wrapped an arm around the back of my head and held my to her
chest. “Yankaka forgive, nya. Nice Guy sleep. Yankaka won’t tell, nya.” She
stated with a wide, fang-filled grin.
While I did thank her, yes… This was
exactly the kind of situation and position I didn’t want to be seen in.
Cuddling, emotionally drained, and letting myself relax. Imagine! Letting
people know I was comfortable… Oh, wait… Weren’t people going to see my
actions? SHIT! Wait, I trusted her not to kill me in my sleep... SHIT!
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